I'm pissed !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, yes, yes!!!!

and

No, no, NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!


I feel like crap!!! ... and retarded...!

Yes, I am sabotaging my success. I've been doing really good with staying away from movies for a while (I swear I was addicted to them - I'd watch one or two in the middle of the day and one at night [ok, sometimes two at night]).. But now last night I watched a stupid movie till after midnight (which would have not been a big problem 10 or 20 years ago, but now, at 40 my energy level is not what it used to be).

So today I was a bit tired - not too bad - but bad enough to drain my will power. And I spent most of my day playing video games...

No, no, NOOOOOOO!!!!!! I refuse to believe that I'm retarded. I'm better than this!!!!!!

It feels so, so, sooooo wonderful at the end of the day when I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. It's really great. And it's not like I'm overworking myself. I have enough fun too. At this point if I work 4 to 6 hours a day I feel really proud of myself (yes, I know shame on me - it sounds like I'm a laysy son-of-a-bitch -- hey, give me a break! I worked for about a decade 12 to 16 hour days + worked in teh weekends too -- it is my "grown-up" time when I can kick back a bit; except I'm kicking back waaaaaay tooo much.)

I really need to pull myself together and do what I know will bring more success and $$$$ money to the table. My house is too small, I'm one paycheck from bankruptcy (and it's not even my paycheck), and I have a baby in the way (yes, one more).

I really really need to pull my head out of my ass and show that I'm capable. I am success material, not a loser....