When it rains, it pours...

Maybe it's all a result of all the stress or pressure...

It's not enough I'm beyond broke, but now my health is screwing with me too.

I feel like shit. Sory, there's no better word for it. Ok, "I feel like I'm dying" would also express it, but that's not as poetic as saying "I feel like shit."

Now I understand what they mean when they say "I'm so tired, it hurts." It really hurts, and it hurts really bad starting at about 4:00 or 5:00 p.m. and at times go to bad at 6:00 p.m....

The funny thing is (in a very unfuny way), that in my morning meditation (yes, I started meditating again - that at least helps me stay sane and reduce the feeling of panic); so, in one of my meditation tapes - as I listen in the morning - it says "And now, as you are returning to ... feel the energy and carry that energy with you throughout the day." And I"m loughing, because I feel like I'm dead - just barely breathing and I could spend the day in bed. I'm tired as soon as I wake up...

No, I don't think I'm depressed (though my mind does wonder to areas where it ussually wouldn't; mainly to past events and make me feel terrible remorses or regrets). OK, maybe a little bit. But the fact is, I feel really positive and I'm taking steps towards succeding in my business. I even scheduled a public seminar.

Oh, yes, I went to see my doctor to find out whether I don't have some other serious going on. At times i feel like I'm collapsing and at times my fingers almost resist when I try to type... so maybe I have a brain tumor (well, there's no harm in checking it, right?) and my girl stepped on my stomach and it really hurt (usually she can dance on it, but now there was one point, inside, that really hurt), so I had them check for an ulcer or some other stuff in there... OK, I sound paranoic, perhaps - I just want to eliminate anything serious, then I can go on recovering (I think I'm so weak because I've overdone my workouts and I "wiped out" myself).

OK - it's 7:00 p.m. and I have to go to sleep.
By the way: today I took two naps already. and I could not do any real work this afternoon, 'cause my head was so stuffy... soo heavy... and numb. (I worked in the morning in my "slave" job)

Ok, see you when I'll have the presence of spirit to get back to my blog :)

The Solution

So CCC (Consumer Credit Counseling) dissapointed me. I thought they were my messiah in this situation... I even had a few nightw when I slept all right. It also helped that now instead of sending more than 10 checks to differnet creditors, I just had to send CCC one amount. Unfortunately, CCC was telling me that they paid all my creditors, some of my creditors on the other hand kept calling me and trying to extort money from me. And, no, they did not get a proposal from CCC, nor a check.

This is just way too much stress for me. I'm too young to die of a heart attack or a stroke... So I did the next step. I came clean in front of two or my friends.... (most people know me as this successful business owner, so I really try not to show that I'm beyond broke -- you just can't attract clients if rummor starts going around that I'm a broke ass failure, right?).

No, opening up did not relieve any stress, but one of them had a great suggestion: take out an equity loan. How about that??? So I called around about 2 dozen companies and finally I settled with City bank, who had a little higher interest than some others, but at least I know City and trust them. So I got a loan, where I do not pay closing costs, nor other fees that ussually come with such loans. I got $70,000 @ 9.95% fixed APR for the term of the loan. Yes, it's a bit high, but I needed it urgently and they provided it that way.

I paid off all my wifes accounts (I spent all that money, so don't feel bad for me -- she trusted me 100%, and I violated that trust; not willingly, since I thought I'd start making money at any moment and I will pay off the cards, but still I used up those cards, so I thought it'd be nice to pay hers off first). So now I only have 4 cards of my own and I'll keep those with Consumer Credit Counseling, since this way my interest rates stay low, my late fees and financial charges were erased, and all those would come back if I got off the program. (all of the banks finally got the payments, but some got the check somewhat late -- it was just the innitial hassle with the proposals being sent out and waiting to get accepted, etc. I trust these guys - they were not in business for 30 years for nothing, right?)

So, the bottom line? After the loan and paying off my wife's cards (and one of mine), now I have $1000 less in expenses. I also pulled myself together and got a side job, where I make up to $80.00 per hour. I work only 4 to 6 hours a day, but that brings in enough to pay the bills; meanwhile I keep on working hard on my business...

And HURRAY!!! A reporter was at one of my presentations and has written a two full- page article on me and my seminar, complete with pictures and caricatures. How about that? This could be a turning point. I'll really capitalize on this article and promote myself more heavily...

I'll also spend every second day, "full time" on finishing my book. Everyone says that once my book will be out, my consulting business will take off.

And, Lo-and-behold I even sold some stuff on the internet. Two times $850 in sales ($300 each time in profit) and a few smaller sales. I need to promote my site a bit more forcefully so more companies and people can find me. In fact, let me go and increase my pay-per-click "expense" - I capped it at $5.00 per week on www.google.com and I already got these orders out of it. I'll double it, see if I get more orders and I'll open an account at www.yahoo.com with a $5.00 cap.

See you later... I feel much better (just my body still hurts - I feel soooo heavy, but trully feel better day by day)

A new New Beginning

Yes, a "new" New Beginning... Haven't you started everything all over again? ...just to find yourself back to where you started, or in a worse place? Then you start it all over again... Again???

Well, that's me. I have to start all over again from the lowest point of my life. Lower point than most people in this nation, but not the lowest possible. Here we go:

I'm $120,000 in debt, and that does not include my mortgage and my cars. These are all credit card debts that I acquired mostly by building my business, such as training, business equipment, and lots of traveling to conferences (and training). I got certified in a few things and I'm a "genius" as far as knowledge and expertise, but I totally suck at marketing myself.

How do I deal with that large debt?

First of all, I didn't even realize that I was sooo deep in debts. I kept taking out new credit cards with 0% tranfer balance for a limited period and transfered balances from my other cards. What I didn't notice, though, was that I kept using up all my cards slowly, slowly, till I got to a point that I had 13 cards, with cash limits of up to $20,000.

Needless to say, when you get caught in the credit card game, you'll end up maxing them out (especially if your income doesn't catch up with you).

So, I have no income and my wife is making around $3000 a month (after taxes).

Let's do the math for what's going on every month:

Credit Card Expenses - $2800.00
Mortgage: - $700.00
Food: - $600.00
Car Payment - $300.00
Child Care Expenses - $ 100.00 (ok, I admit it, I have to say "No" to many, many things that I wish I could give them)

Total: - $4,500.00

Total Income - $3,000.00

So, I'm in the whole with $1,500.00 bucks... and that's month after month...

What does one do in a situation like this?

First of all: PANIC!!!
I slept for weeks waking up in the middle of the night with chest pains and difficulty to breath. I felt like a concrete block was on my chest. My temples were pulsating, my heart was beating fast, I had stomach cramps (day and night), and felt like this is the end of my life and I screwed up my kids life, my wife's life, and my dreams-filled life.

Yes, you are right. Suicide is a good thought. Now I understand why suicide rates are the highest among mid-age male. Except I have this principle (or conviction), where I believe that there can be nothing to drive me into suicide. I'd rather move up into the mountains and live a hermit life than take my life (anyway, I've always been very attracted to nature and spend in it as much time as humanly possible).

So, what other options does someone in this situation have? Ask a rich relative or friend for a gift, or at least a low (or no-) interest loan for 50 years... Scratch that! I have no real friends that are rich. (it somehow seems that those who hit the "jackpot" - and I have several friends in that boat - become more distant and cautios; almost afraid that we'll beg them for a handout). Yes, in the past I've been in a situation where I was making thousands of dollars a day and was doing beyond my dreams; and at that time there were many people who borrowed large sums of money from me and I always gave. I understand how it is to not have (I used to be homeless in the early 90s for close to a year - yes, I know, my life is a rollercoaster: either up or down - rarely in between).

I called a bunch of so-called financial advisors... It seems that most try to sell me something, instead of telling me how I can get out of this mess. Most want to charge me $500 to $1,000 (STAY AWAY FROM THOSE!!!); finally, after weeks of search I found a non-profit that's been in business for more than 30 years (Consumer Credit Counseling). They charge only $25 up front, than a monthly maintanance fee, which in my case was calculated to be around $40.00 - not a bad deal.

Consumer Credit Counseling will send a proposal to each of your creditors and they'll drop your late fees and financial charges and they'll lower your interest rate. If you stick with the program you'll be out of debt in five years.

So, I'm on the program.

The counselor added up all our expenses (including hair care, cat food, birthday gifts, and you won't believe what else - but all true) and it turns out that our monthly minimum expenses (including the credit card bills) are $5200 and we have about $3000 in income. HOw about that?

Bankruptcy?
I don' know. It'd look really bad on my record. My business is in consulting and public speaking and some companies - I heard - they do a background check on you. I really don't want to have bankruptcy on my record.